Mother’s Day 2019 – How My Mom Balances Me

Four years ago I wrote a Letter to my Mom. I cried as I wrote it, unsure how many more opportunities I’d have to share my love and appreciation for her on Mother’s Day.

I still don’t know how many days I have left, but the visceral shock, fear and urgency of the early days of the diagnosis has waned. In some ways, I can’t quite believe I’m still here and feeling so well. But I’ve also spent much of last few years intentionally cultivating a cautious belief that I will be well. Most days have moments where I do take things for granted; I waste time, I make mistakes and do things I regret. Rather than feel badly about this, I am actually grateful. I know it’s a sign that I am healthy and that I do trust in my health more today than 4+ years ago. In this case, being a flawed person is a sign of progress I think. Weird, that.

Paradoxically, as my fear has abated some, my mother’s may have grown more. When I wrote the Letter to My Mom, she was spending a lot of time reassuring me, modeling optimism and hope. Now I think she carries more fear and anxiety into each of my scans and appointments than I do. Like many mothers and daughters, we operate a bit like a see-saw, balancing each other: when one is up, the other is down. Or does her holding things down, allow me to go up?

Today, my Mother’s Day wish is that my mom gets a break from holding down the see-saw, (without me plummeting down, forcing her up). I hope we can continue to both find moments of loving trust and faith in my wellness, and enjoy each other and our time here. I love you, Mom. I am filled with gratitude for you. Thank you for everything you do. Happy Mother’s Day!